Open letter to owner of Auburn voodoo doll: Please stop, will make fair trade

Auburn football recently has experienced a series of minor inconveniences, leaving fans shouting at the sky: “Why us!?”

Well, the answer is clear. It’s not the ref’s faults, nor is it Gus Malzhan’s, Harvey Updyke’s or the offensive line’s fault. It’s whoever has our voodoo doll.

Dear whoever has Auburn’s voodoo doll,

I write this letter to you as a plea to stop doing whatever it is that you are doing to our doll. On Saturday at 2:30 p.m. CT during the first quarter of football it felt like you stabbed the doll repeatedly with a large pin. I think you maybe switched the pin for a knife after Auburn failed to convert on fourth-and-1 in the red zone?

At 3:45 p.m. CT you definitely left the doll somewhere until 5:30 p.m. CT where you then ran the doll over with your car and promptly set it on fire as LSU kicked a game-winning field goal.

Thanks a lot.

The torture did not end there, however.

On Sunday, as Auburn football fans turned to the NFL to drown their sorrows, they witnessed Cam Newton get robbed of his soul and the now unemployed Daniel Carlson (the SEC’s all-time leading scorer) lose his job.

I don’t know who you are, but I assume you are an LSU fan that picked up our voodoo doll somewhere on Bourbon Street two years ago and you have been relentless in your torture of us since.

You obviously watched College Gameday and heard Lee Corso choose Auburn to win and that set you off. I get it. Please don’t watch ESPN this upcoming Saturday because I can’t emotionally cope with the idea of losing to a team that just got waxed by North Texas.

Unsure of what it will take to relinquish control of our voodoo doll I offer you coupons for corndogs as a peace treaty. By doing this you will get corndogs and Auburn will be free of voodoo just in time for Georgia, Alabama and basketball season. Please enjoy your coupons for corndogs and leave us alone!!!

Next: Blame game? It's easier to avoid situation altogether

P.S. Do you need ketchup/mustard with that?