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Auburn football: What every fan is thinking, but might not be saying out loud

By Shea Brennaman

AUBURN, AL - NOVEMBER 10: Auburn fans wear paper bags over their heads during their game against the Georgia Bulldogs on November 10, 2012 at Jordan-Hare Stadium in Auburn, Alabama. Georgia defeated Auburn 38-0 and clinched the SEC East division. (Photo by Michael Chang/Getty Images)
AUBURN, AL - NOVEMBER 10: Auburn fans wear paper bags over their heads during their game against the Georgia Bulldogs on November 10, 2012 at Jordan-Hare Stadium in Auburn, Alabama. Georgia defeated Auburn 38-0 and clinched the SEC East division. (Photo by Michael Chang/Getty Images) /
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It is officially official, Auburn football is a dumpster fire and the wheels on the Gus Bus go three and out. When a friend asked me what my thoughts were toward Auburn football, I wanted to write them a tell-all novel, so here’s this article instead.

I don’t even want to talk about what transpired on Pat Dye Field between the hours of 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. last Saturday. It was not good and I haven’t processed it yet as I am still stuck in the first stage of grief: denial. As the clock ran out and grief filled the room my friends looked at me “what do we do now?”

“We keep celebrating, this is a wake now.”

Funerals are hard. I’m going to spare the grim statistics of last week’s funeral and get straight to the point. Here are the thoughts every Auburn football fan is thinking:

  1. “32 million isn’t that much …”
  2. “The heavens misaligned when Jarrett Stidham got engaged …”
  3. “Are there only four plays in the playbook?”
  4. “I miss Kerryon Johnson …”
  5. “Why can’t we clone a football version of Bruce Pearl …”
  6. “These coaches said the same thing three weeks ago, and the week after that, and the week after that.”
  7. “Time to readjust my blood pressure medication … again …”
  8. “PUT ASA MARTIN IN.”
  9. “I wanted to spend New Year’s Day doing jigsaw puzzles so it’s cool.”
  10. “THROW THE BALL AWAY PLEASE!”
  11. “What kind of conditioner is Sal Canella using?”
  12. “THE OFFENSIVE LINE IS OFFENSIVE.”
  13. “If we throw another bubble screen just drop kick me, Jesus.”
  14. “Oh, our biggest rivals have consistent coaches, nice.” 🙁
  15. “I miss Nick Marshall…”
  16. “But Tennessee is an SEC doormat…we CAN’T lose to UT…RIGHT!? RIGHT!?”
  17. “Maybe I should take up gardening?”
  18. “OK 32 million is a lot…we need divine intervention.”
  19. “PUT MALIK WILLIS IN.”
  20. “Oh how wonderful, a flag!”
  21. “We’re gonna get beat by an Ole Miss team that isn’t even bowl eligible …”
  22. “Someone please go hug Kevin Steele and our defense …”
  23. “Please play someone else …”
  24. “We are a basketball school!”
  25. “Oh, so we aren’t going to make any adjustments this week? Cool.”
  26. “PUT JOEY GATEWOOD IN.”
  27. “Stupid sugar huddle …”
  28. “Can we clone Bo Jackson?”
  29. “If everyone in attendance at an Auburn football game brought $556 then we would be able to buy out Gus Malzahn’s contract …”
  30. “… If we can fill all of the seating…”

Well there you all have it. I’m going to go lock myself in my bathroom and cry. War Eagle.

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